plan b

“I think I know y I faild. Destiny bai. D lng ko ktel. Cnfdntialty clause. Pero lyflong dream na gyud nko ni. Pwd n ko mamatay. Kng dli madaun I H8 LYF N GYUD.”

-My text.

And I’m hoping it’s destiny. Really hoping. I did not fail just to take semester off and work in a fastfood chain. Hotel, maybe. Radio, definitely… but that is if I’m planning to stay in Valencia, which is as of press time, quite unlikely since I’ve made up my mind that I want to be independent more than ever. Especially now that I have plans to do backpacking in Siquijor. I’m going to raise the necessary funds to finance my adventure of a lifetime. My own version of Che’s Motorcycle Diaries…

But all that are just backup. I have a destiny to pursue. I’m going to make sure that I’m going to get it no matter what. I’m built for greater things. I don’t have plans to be a commonplace. I am going to make a commotion.

And PS, that confidentiality clause I’m talking about, the other party is… myself. I really don’t want to broadcast it right now. I might jinx my chances.

“W0i.. Bai, d0nt take it 2 hard.. Ni agi jp0n ko ana na phase, and there are still m0re phases to c0me.. Jst keep ur head up nd decide f0r wats best..”

-Rob

12-04-2008, 23:01:49

> My friend’s reply. I’m sure he thought I was at my manic phase again. ROTFLOL. =D

to the left

“Brokenheartd ku.. Huhu.. Wla pjud direction akng lyf..”

-Danica

14-04-2008, 11:27:30

The 1^st part wasn’t really a shocker. She says that all time. Because almost immediately after, I see her with her boyfriend looking like love birds.

But when the message read that she doesn’t have any direction whatsoever, I couldn’t be more empathetic. I know how that feels.

Cryptic.

everydy, i smile

&

act like nothng’s

wr0ng…

dat’s wat I call,

putting evrythng

aside & simply

being strong

..I’m not

insensitive,

I just don’t care..

-james Hahaha..s0 u!

leanne’s text

18-Mar-28

23:11:59

People have no idea on what is going on .crytic. To everyone. To my friends. Not even my parents have the slightest idea. I break things alone. I fix things alone. I may get help along the way, but at a minimum level. Then I break down again, feeling all alone and lonely, but that’s just the way it is. I don’t think I’m ever gonna be happy. I don’t think marijuana and trancy music would ever make me numb- maybe for a while, before the novelty wears off. Then I’m back to my old self again, loving and loathing himself simultaneously.

i didn't keep count of how may times i've punctured myself that night, but the marks on my arm and tummy slightly scared me the folowing morning.
i felt a mixture of excitement and wanting to pull back the day so i won't have to do my rd that soon. i was just not prepared to die, or get somebody killed by inexpertly administering parenteral medicaton. yeah, it's irrational to fear 1 cc of distilled water in your skin, but i was concerned about the intramuscular administration. the needle didn't look small at all, and i was nervous about my partner getting nervous! if he doesn't get it right the first time, i'd have to go through the damned skin test again, the subcu, and the IM. so that night, aside from trying impress my sister, i took the 10 cc syringe (the only sterile syringe i had left), and rehearsed my rd, only with most of the infecton control left to be suppositions.

it was late afternoon yesterday, when three of my friends failed to remember i was waiting for them to pick me up from my bhauz. for more than an hour, i heard the karaoke singing from the other side of the street, while i sat on the bench by the door. i looked up, and the sun was already leaving the sky. soon it would be dark. a few black birds flew across, and i was compelled to take my pen as the moment took over me.




by adlr

sama sa langgam nga naglupadlupad,
anha naglibot-libot sa kalangitan
maayo sa panlantaw
ug di na mulabaw
sa damgo nga kini makab-ot;

sama niining hapuna
musangpit kadyut,
ug dili magdugay
nahibalo ko nga
mawagtang sa pag-usab
ang gugma
nga ginahinaut kong makaptan
hangtud sa hangtud;

dili matugkad sa panultihon
ang pagkahiubos ko
nga ikaw sama sa kalayo
nga gahatag ug kainit
apan
kanus-a pa man
dili gayud mahimo nga gakson;

ang kasing-kasing kong
napasakitan
magpadayon sa pagpangita
ug ikapuli sa tunghaan
nga
nahawan
sa imong pagbiya;

apan wala ko masayod
kung may makita pa ..

completely

-taken from postsecret.blogspot.com

need i say more?

So how do you feel about it?

I finally sought help. Not from alcohol or weeds but some from pro. I'm talking about the counselor. After almost chickening out on that hallowed day, the encounter finally did happen. He was so good at what he does, did reverse psychology, that he made me admit that I was such a faker, control freak, manipulative, hypocrite brat who whines when things don't go as planned. All them haters would've danced for joy. Then he made me say "I love myself" with some assurance that I shouldn't be guilty about it. That didn't made me narcissist, he assured. I just need to love myself- and not keep track of crap. Period.